Anxious

I was a member of the Willow Creek Community Church writers team for about 20 years. Back in the day, dramas were performed every weekend to accompany and support the pastor’s message. It was about year 15 that I considered quitting. It was a lot of pressure - both from the outside and from my insides. Willow Creek had become a very big, even global, church and I didn’t think I could do it anymore. The pressure became more than I could bear. Having to write an original drama once or twice a month, one that would create a moment for our audience; a moment that they would connect with either through drama and/or laughter. Not to mention working alongside my fellow writers who were brilliant and appeared to write some of the most memorable dramas with ease. It just became too much so I met with my director and said I needed to either quit or take a break.

It was during that time away that I came across a book entitled, “Bird by Bird” by Anne Lamott. This book changed everything for me. I discovered that I wasn’t alone in my struggle, that other writers faced a similar pressure to write something worth reading, to create stories to move their audience. So…I didn’t quit. After a while I went back. I faced the same pressure but no longer feeling alone. I was energized and determined to keep going. Because I knew, big sigh, that God wanted me to write.

Over the past few months I had considered leaving my job. Last year for some crazy reason I decided that our elementary kids needed something different on Sundays. There were so many great curricula to choose from but…they didn’t connect with our kids. Kids who were new to God, and Jesus and the Bible. Sure they had heard stories from the Bible but they were pretty clueless as to everything else. So, I decided to create our own. I know! What was I thinking?!!!

I soon discovered that resources were few and far between for the subjects that I wanted our kids to learn. Subjects such as: Where did God come from? If God’s invisible, how do we know he’s real? What does God do all day? And how do you explain God and Jesus being one?

It got to the point that I wasn’t sleeping, questioning whether maybe I was done, too old to write for kids, maybe having used up all my creativity. I dreaded each new week, knowing that I would once again face that blank screen, go searching the internet and again find nothing of what I wanted, being left with stress and pressure knowing Sunday was coming and I had to create something out of nothing. 

I hinted to my immediate boss that I was weary but never quite came clean. I was afraid I would find out that I was no longer in the right place, that it was truly time for me to retire. But then I got a visit from my big boss who asked how I was doing. Again, only gave hints of my weariness, but I think she may have seen through me. Because she offered me a lifeline, similar to “Bird by Bird” but completely different. She introduced me to AI. Chapgpt, to be exact.

I resisted at first because it felt like I was acknowledging that I didn’t have the creative edge anymore. It felt like I would be opening up to a drug that I would become dependent on. Except, it did exactly what Anne Lamott’s book did for me years ago. It brought back energy, excitement and a fresh dose of creativity. Because AI doesn’t do my work; it just makes suggestions that then blows up my brain with ideas and direction and excitement. For the first time in many months, I’m excited to go to work.

Feeling anxious comes from being unsettled. It’s where I had been living for months. Unfocused eyes, ringing in my ears, unsteady breathing. Preparing to quit. Certainly not of God.

But there’s another side, a more healthy side to feeling unsettled. Restlessness. It’s when my eyes are unflinching as I look to God. My attention and closeness to Him is like paper to wall. I don’t dare look away; in fact, I move closer and closer. Waiting. Anticipating. Readying myself for God’s next call, next move, next assignment.

You’d think I’d know better when this anxiousness hits me. You’d think at the first shaky breath that I’d run to the other side. But I didn’t. And it appears that I don’t. But fortunately, God rescued me. As He has rescued me many times before and, most likely, many times to come. 

I’m grateful to God, once again, for giving me people, books, and even a “HAL-like” machine to bring me out of my anxiousness and lead me into a place of freedom. A place where I can write, create and continue to do what God seems to want me to do. And keep going until and only until I’m restless. Then with a bit of nervous excitement and a little finger nail biting I’ll find and prepare myself for what’s next. His next.