As far I could tell, his home growing up was pretty dysfunctional. His mom was a person who was never pleased with any outcome and his dad was an alcoholic. Then he joined the Air Force and was a B52 pilot, flying all assigned missions during WW2. He went into the service as one man, came back home quite different.
So, as you can imagine, being brought up in my home was a bit challenging. My dad (may his memory be a blessing) was not what you would call stable or predictable. I never knew which dad I would encounter when I walked through the door. He could be happy, mad, judgmental, loving, depressed, or sick. So, for me, to manage my life with my dad required me to develop a very fine tuned inner machine. I learned to read the signs: the tone of his voice, the placement of his mouth, the set of his eyes, the movement of his body. And then I would calculate how best to behave and respond. The more I did it, the better my assessment and the more peace I experienced.
I have carried this inner machine, or computer, with me throughout my life. When I’m with people I am constantly entering data into my mind. I observe, calculate and then adjust accordingly. Yes, it sounds like I need extensive therapy, but have no fear, I have done that. Through counsel, I’ve learned how to manage this circuit board and live fully as me.
But the entering of data is not something that I’ve ever been able to shut down. It’s too automatic. As well as the output of information. Once all the data is inputted, my mind processes it and then spits out the results - categorized and labeled. My mind looks just like those sci-fi glasses that spies wear when they’re assessing their surroundings.
Is it any wonder that I’m an introvert or love just being alone. When I’m alone, everything comes to a stop. I’m able to rest. But when I’m with people, my mind is constantly working. And I’ve learned to be aware of times when, on rare occasions, my mind is about to go into overdrive - being with people for an extended amount of time. My breathing changes, I can’t think, I don’t see well and, if I don’t exit soon, there’s a slight possibility that I’ll experience a panic attack.
I’m fully aware of the challenges my inner self battles. And I’ve been given tools to help me manage this motherboard of mine, but like I said, it’s always on. It’s so much a part of me that I can’t ever fully turn it off.
Except when I’m with certain people.
I spent the last few days with some very close friends. And it wasn’t until the 2nd day that a realization hit me. My mind was quiet; there was no buzzing or humming, inputting or outputting. My motherboard had shut down. I was so surprised. I felt completely relaxed. As though I was…by myself. Yet, I was with these friends, friends that I have known for about 15 years. Years that were not always perfect; specifically, times of disagreements with each other, but we came out the other side. All, amazingly enough, without my personal circuit board blowing up.
I can’t explain it. Nor do I need to. All I know is that God has blessed me with a handful of friends (yes, there are a few others) who have the unexplainable ability to quiet my mind, my soul, my spirit and my heart. Through their friendship I’m able to relax and be fully me. I can’t even begin to explain how miraculous this is and that it took me this long to recognize it… or them.
I may have a circuit board that is deeply embedded in me, but God is far greater and more powerful than any AI or Hal that I invented for myself. God has and continues to look out for me and to love me, helping me manage this high functioning gadget of mine but, more importantly, giving me people in my life who can supernaturally give me a peace that truly passes understanding.
Comments