The Gift of Spontaneity

I was sitting on the couch and my therapist was in his chair; this during one of our regularly scheduled visits. For the last several months I had been working on new responses to conflict and staying “in my adult” as he liked to call it. I was also working on liking myself and finding value in myself. During this one particular visit I was wrestling with this latter issue - myself. He looked at me, at one point, and began to list all the good he saw in me. I scrunched up my face in confusion and said, “No offense, but your opinion doesn’t matter. I pay you to say this stuff.”

I have a similar reaction when it comes to certain days of the year. For example, Mother’s Day. And, to be honest, Christmas and, I guess, my birthday. Or any event that gives the slightest hint of obligation. I find myself uncomfortable when words or gifts are given because the calendar requires it. I don’t know where this comes from; more therapy is obviously needed for that answer. All I know is that my favorite texts, cards and gifts come at times when I least expect them. It tells me that someone was thinking about me at a random time in their day.

Since I’ve known this about me for a while, I have, over the years, come up with a few ways to rework these “obligatory” moments, bringing a sense of spontaneity to them.

The Dick Van Dyke Show is one of the best written comedy shows of all time. And, at least once a season, Rob and Laura always hosted a party at their house. This party wasn’t just sitting around eating and chatting. No, it always turned into a variety show. So that’s what I decided to do to make Christmas different and unexpected.

For the 7 years I lived in Rockford, Illinois my kids and I would invite people over for an evening of singing and surprises. I’d pass out sheets of lyrics and everyone would gather around my poor piano playing while singing every Christmas song and carol ever written. In between songs, people would perform an “act” (if they wanted). A song on the guitar or harmonica, a vocal solo or duet, a Christmas poem, a stand up comedy routine and/or, one of my favorites, a trio lip syncing “Mele Kalikimaka” while wearing grass skirts and coconut bras. Every year people came and every year it was an absolute hilarious surprise. It was the best gift I would receive for Christmas because every year brought something new and unpredictable. The best in spontaneity.

Mother’s Day is something that I’ve been challenged with from the beginning. I loved the poems and artwork that my kids made for me each year when they were little, but I did my best to minimize the day. You see, I had a challenge with my own mom (may her memory be a blessing). It was hard to recognize and honor her due to the fractures in our relationship. So because of that, I didn’t want my kids to grow up under the same kind of pressure. And, as turns out, Mother’s Day is very hard for me. Because I’m a mom in a broken relationship of my own. But, with the help of my daughter-in-law, we have redefined the day. We call it “Happy Antiquing Day.” We spend maybe 5 minutes in the car mourning our losses and then we get to antiquing. Mother’s Day is never mentioned. And as a result, it’s freeing, hope-filled and to a certain degree spontaneous because we never know what kind of antique store we’re going to discover.

Then there’s my birthday. An obvious obligatory day, but one that I’ve learned to accept. But…if I could design my birthday it would be one without gifts (because they were given to me randomly throughout the year) and it would simply include a cookout with family and friends. Just time together eating burgers, deviled eggs and grilled brussel sprouts. And, of course, dessert. My favorite - Betty Crocker cake and canned frosting. (What can I say, I’m a girl of the baby boomer generation.)

With all that said, I know without a doubt that the gifts that my family and friends give me on those calendar days is obligatory-free, just like the words of my therapist. But, I will always love moments when words arrive or a gift appears out of nowhere. To be loved, celebrated and remembered just for the fun of it. A gift of complete spontaneity.